Self-love & Personal growth

Who is your 911 when you are falling apart?

This year,2022 I’ve seen people posting on various social media platforms how 2022 had been a year full of challenges. In this era alot of youths are also struggling with mental health issues. We are huge fans of memes and we share them 24/7. Some people post memes for fun but others are actually trying to communicate what they are going through/what they are feeling through memes yet we take everything at face value.

Who do you talk to when you feel like you are losing your mind? Who calms your nerves and brings you back to sanity? What do you do to avoid suicidal thoughts or self harm? Who holds your hand and understands your tears and the words that can’t even come out your mouth? Who is your safe space? Who makes you feel alive again? Who replenishes your energy when you are at the verge of quitting? Who gives you a new lease of life?

As an adult,it is quite hard to have that one person who can offer all the above since everyone has their own struggles and life kind of separates you from people who you thought would be part of your life forever. Adult friendships require mutual efforts and good communication beacause everyone is busy trying to build their life or building their families. I have come to learn that our parents can actually be our refuge when the world becomes sour to us. Being a parent never stops,it’s a full time job till the day one will leave this world. We detach ourselves and keep secrets from our mums and dads yet they can understand what we are going through and they are in a position to comfort us. It is weird yet it is a huge problem solver. But we can’t share everything with our parents,it is important to have atleast one person who you can rant to when you need to let your thoughts out. Again,not everyone is to be trusted. Make sure you confide in people who won’t come to shame you afterwards.

Don’t suffer alone and don’t think that your problems or whatever you are going through is lame. At times you can just talk to a stranger,someone who you’ll never meet in life again and a huge load will be lifted off your shoulders and you won’t have a heavy heart. In this generation,a huge number of people are depressed but hide it under brilliant and beautiful smiles. Just be nice when you can,we are all fighting things that not many can comprehend.

By Ambitious Val

We learn new things about ourselves from time to time if not everyday.

Each day presents a new chance for us to learn. We also get opportunities to pick between different choices that lead us to different situations. There are things we do that leave us questioning our personality,likes,strengths,values,interests and passions. This is because nobody has fully discovered themselves and a new day brings new things: we get to unlock a hidden part of ourselves. It actually explains why one day we wake up fully unconcerned and uninterested in things that used to excite us.

We all have certain titles,hobbies,talents,careers and abilities we want to be associated with. However,it disadvantages us such that we don’t want to try out stuffs and get out of our comfort zone. I have a friend who when asked who he is answers, *I never want to define/describe myself with titles as that could limit me to being one person. I feel I have different personalities and I am many things.* As insane as it sounds I totally agree with him,he is definitely many things and can be different people depending on the occasion. Describing ourselves using titles restricts us to being that one person.

In different careers,there are standard expected achievements,behaviour,lifestyle and even fashion for those associated with that particular field. Once someone says they are a doctor,we see them differently and accord them some level of respect because of the magnitude of their academic achievements and also accomplishments in life. We wouldn’t expect to see a doctor out in the club having fun and dancing like a lunatic. People have stereotypes on how teachers,lawyers,doctors,pilots,engineers and all other people have to live their lives. This in turn affects individuals and make them suppress some part of themselves to fit into the demands of the world. Similarly, we find ourselves doing things that aren’t associated with the titles/talents/activities we want to be known by or things that aren’t in line with how we view ourselves. I am not talking about things that aren’t morally right or those that go against our values.

Throughout my life I was like,I can never be a model. I didn’t even comprehend why people had fashion shows and the Mr/Miss competitions. I had an odd walking style,tom-boyish not even in my wildest dreams could I ever dream that I’d walk on a runway. I have been well known for being a great dancer all my life. That title has been my brand for the longest time. Guess what,I became a model in first year and I fell in love with the run way. My talent for dance was overshadowed and very few people in campus knew that I am a talented dancer. We develop new habits and interests along the way. Just coz you had said you can never do something it shouldn’t hinder you from trying. Titles shouldn’t limit us to one way of thinking and one way of doing things/living. Dare to do what your heart desires so long as you don’t go out of your values and morals.

By Ambitious Val

Mastering the Art of Staying Unbothered: Own Your Confidence & Worth

I am a girl who puts so much value in self love. I have been raised single handedly by a single mum . She has played a great part in what and who I am today. Growing up,she always kept on telling me to love myself and believe that I can make it. Her mantra was and still is, *you can have whatever you want as long as you put your mind,heart and efforts into it*. She reminds me that I am worthy of everything my heart desires and there’s no better person than me in the world regardless of the race, nationality, social and economic class. We are all the same,human.

Her words have kept me strong and made me have such a high self-esteem. Having a high self-esteem doesn’t mean that I don’t get affected by people’s opinions. There are people who are mean and get under my skin to an extent that I become extremely rude and speak my truth,then there are instances where I just look at someone and smile. Some time back, I worked at a certain place where the senior employee was always on my case. She used to just state negative things about me trying to be funny and to make me appear less appealing to my colleagues at work. She’s the kind of person who will look for the smallest mistake in your grooming/dressing and call it out Infront of people. Everyone was fed up but they couldn’t stand up to her. One time, I had a rough morning but I still had to go to work less I get fired. My tolerance was low and I didn’t want anyone stepping on my toes. I had worn a new blouse which I fancy alot. She looked at me up and down then asked *Kwani umevaa nguo ya mama yako?* In my head I was like,oh wow,this is gonna get interesting. I asked why the question. She said that it looked oversize on me. I looked at her up and down,asked her who is wearing the blouse and I walked away. Since that day she never asked me stupid questions again and I didn’t hear her state her negative opinions as she did before.

It feels really sweet to give people your piece and put them in their place. However,this should not always be the case. You shouldn’t let your emotions get out of hand coz you may speak back to people who shouldn’t be talked back to. If the opinions are from your friends,just search deep down to see whether it is meant to make you grow or it’s just to dim your shine. At times,you’ll hear comments that are only meant to see how mad you can get.

Bottom line is,people have their own thoughts of you and you can’t control that. What you have control over is your reaction,thoughts and words. It is not everyone that deserves your energy and response. You are way better than the one trying to bring you down.

By Ambitious Val.

How do you actually handle people’s opinions about you?

An opinion is a belief,thought, vague idea or a judgement about something which is not necessarily based on facts or knowledge.We say that everyone’s opinion is valid but still there are people who are too opinionated. They think their view is right and that it is a must for them to comment about everything and anything. Mostly,such people are often wrong or say negative things and things they should have just kept quiet about.

People say their opinions for different reasons 1. They think they can help or can give advice that will make your life better. 2. To feel like they are superior because they have more knowledge. Our close friends can point out on how we are dressed,how our haircuts/hairstyles look like. They will both compliment and critique how we look. Friends tend to look out for us so that we don’t go out in public looking funny and end up embarrassing ourselves. However,there are certain characters who never point out any good thing about you. I know there’s a person who just popped in your thoughts after you’ve read that statement. This person doesn’t ever shut up about the things that are negative and where everything appears to be perfect,they’ll choose to mention that little insignificant wrong thing.

How do you actually deal with such kind of a person? Well,one thing is that we all handle people’s opinions differently depending on our self esteem. There are individuals who are affected to an extent that they feel intimidated and actually revert to hating themselves. As someone who loves themselves,you shouldn’t take everything to heart. Some people out here actually have no sense of direction and no purpose. They now reflect their insecurities and failures on others by making mocking remarks and criticism so as to feel like they are relevant. If you let their remarks affect you then they feel they have won and they’ll get some type of satisfaction. Others feel uncomfortable coz of how great you are,your potential,your popularity,your excellent relationship with those around you and everything you are made of. They now want to tear you down through insults and demotivating comments. These are the people who will talk ill about you to others and behind your back just to try and dim your light or make you appear less appealing to others. You should just let such people be coz you are way better than them and they are not used to such greatness. There is a saying that dogs bark at people and things that are strange to them, in the same way your ilk is not an everyday thing to some people.

Your reaction is not needed in everything that will be said to you or done to you. For example, On social media there’s alot of criticism and you find the individuals being critiqued are well established in their careers and have a lavish lifestyle yet there are people saying lots of bad things to/about them. At times I read the comments people write on people’s posts and I feel outraged. There are comments that can even lead someone to commiting suicide. But do you see our celebrities taking their lives simply because there are people insulting them and even their families at large? No. Learn not to respond to negative comments. The ones making such comments want to see you make a fool out of yourself by responding to them,feeling sorry for yourself,hating how you look and everything that’s related to you. Remember that their opinions can’t have an actual effect on how you look or on the things you’ve accomplished. Nothing will change. You can be perfectly fine but you won’t lack that person who is there to always tear you down. It can even be the person you call best friend. There are friends who want you to live behind their shadows. They want to be seen like they are doing better than you hence they’ll tell you some things pretending to be correcting you yet they are killing your star and self-confidence.

This post is long already however,there are things I’ve not said yet. My next post will be a continuation of this. Thanks for reading through my article. Let me know your thoughts.

There is a thin line between self love and being selfish

There are people who interpret selfish as self love and vice versa. We need to understand what being selfish is and how it looks like. Selfish is lacking consideration for other people. It is concentrating on one’s advantage,pleasure and one’s own welfare in disregard of others. A selfish individual will do just anything to get what they want and they tend to use manipulation to get to where they want. One can also be termed as stingy and self centered. They want everything for themselves and don’t actually put other people’s needs,feelings and emotions into consideration. Most times,a selfish person makes themselves happy at the expense of other people’s happiness.

On the other hand,self love is a state of appreciation for oneself. It is taking care of your own needs and not always sacrificing your well being to please others. Self Love means not settling for less than you deserve,you prioritize yourself,take a break when you need to, trusting yourself,being true to you, talking to yourself nicely and forgiving yourself when you have made mistakes.

Self Love doesn’t mean being rude and doing whatever you like without thinking of how your actions will affect the people around you. It isn’t being obsessed with oneself and forgetting that other people exist. It is simply taking care of yourself,doing the things you enjoy doing,grooming nicely,believing in your abilities and appreciating who you are and what you are made of. It is after you have fallen fully in love with the soul under your skin that you can truly spread and give love to others. Self care means that you have fed your soul and mind to an extent that you can now pour into other people’s cups.

It is easy for us to make selfish decisions especially when the opportunity favours us and elevates us to a high level. There’s nobody who has not acted selfish at some point. For example,I have two brothers,our first born is older than me by two years so basically we grew up together. I would screw up or make mistakes and then pin it on my brother. He used to get beatings that were not meant for him simply because I chose to be selfish. For instance,there’s a day I lost sh 2000 that mum had given me to do shopping. I was so tensed coz I knew my mum would beat me for losing that amount. My brother had a habit of taking small small cash and he used to be caned alot. So that day I waited for mum to come home and told her that my brother is the one who took the 2K. My big brother couldn’t prove himself innocent as we all knew that he used to take mum’s money. It made me feel so guilty because my selfish action made him suffer some thorough punishment. I protected myself through sacrificing him. I did not consider his feelings/emotions.

Sometimes we can make decisions without involving our friends/family/partners yet whatever we decide on will affect them in one way or another. Let’s say you’ve always had a dream to study in another country. So one day an opportunity presents itself and you are offered a scholarship to go and study in that other country. Ofcourse you’ll be so excited and fill out the forms without thinking twice. How do you think your family/friends and partner will feel about it? Ofcourse they will be happy for you that finally your dream has come true. But will that be all? They will feel irrelevant to you. It’s like their opinions don’t matter to you. You don’t care about how they’ll be affected when you move to that other country. That is a very selfish action. A considerate person will first of all talk to their partners and let them know that they have been given the opportunity to school in a different country. There should be atleast a conversation before filling the forms. That way you can discuss on the pros and cons of you moving to that other country,how your relationship will be affected and the things you can do in order to stay connected. Your partner will feel valued and appreciated when you engage them before making huge decisions.

Thank you for reading through this piece. Let me know your thoughts.

Choosing Yourself: The Art of Saying No, Self-Appreciation, and Confidence

Hey lovely people,I thank God for you and thanks for the amazing comments and feedback. I’ll cover the requests am getting from you and I hope my content will be of help to some of you if not all of you. In this piece I’ll handle the remaining questions.

5. Do I say NO to my friends when their plans inconvenience me? When it comes to this,people can be a bit reluctant. It is not easy to say no to your friends. Also as a person,I do struggle with saying no to my friends. When we say no,it’s easy for us to be left out and miss out. When we meet our friends we have fun,create more memories together and this makes the bonds stronger. Who doesn’t want to be a part of all this? And how can we achieve this if we turn down a meet up/hang out? You find that we compromise alot of things just because we want to be present. By doing this,you may end up not even having fun at a personal level since your mind is lingering on the things you had to postpone or forego just to be present and impress your friends. It is important that you learn on when to say no. You should choose what is more important at that moment. Is it going out and have some drinks with friends or prepare for an exam that you are supposed to sit for tomorrow? Is it spending your money on tours/travels with friends or going for that medical check up you have been meaning to? Trust me,being honest with yourself and with your friends will save you alot of trouble. I’ll respect you more when you turn me down because of something you’ve been meaning to do for yourself and suggest we reschedule instead to a time that will suit both of us or the parties involved.

6. Do I compliment myself often? As a human being,you need or crave to be told good things about you. You feel so good when a friend tells you how good you look,you take pride when they point out something that you are excellent at. Now,do you say good things to you? How often do you point out your strengths to you? Why is it that you are quick to condemn yourself when you’ve done something wrong yet you fail to say good things out loud to yourself? Make it a habit to be loud about the positives. The same way you are always complimenting the people without,you should always compliment the person within. You deserve everything that you offer the ones around you. Never forget that you are a person!

7. Do I feel confident? Based on our different personalities,people have different levels of confidence/self esteem. Someone who is comfortable with themselves have a high self esteem. It means they see themselves as deserving the respect of others. You should identify the kind of things that make you feel good about yourself and also get involved in activities that allow you to have fun and loosen up. Also,do things that you are good at and they will add into making you feel confident. Dressing is another thing that can either build or kill your confidence. Be in clothes that are comfortable. This way,you don’t have to worry alot about how you look. In my opinion,I think that confidence comes with how an individual views themselves and how they think they appear to others. So being smart and in comfortable clothes makes one feel better about their appearance.

Thank you for reading through this piece. I hope I have covered the fundamentals in every question. I will appreciate your feedback.

Self-Love Check-In: 4 Powerful Questions to Transform Your Confidence

Hey my lovely people. I’m here again with some more content on self love. I would like this to be like a conversation between me and you;give me feedback and share your thoughts in the different things I’ll talk about. You should be comfortable and free in this space,be you. In my previous post I had listed a number of questions for you to gauge your affection towards you/the person beneath your skin. In this piece I will handle a few of the questions and give the possible responses.

1. Do I compare myself to others? It is not entirely wrong to compare yourself to your colleagues,what matters is how that comparison affects you and how often you do it and in what occasions. For someone who loves themselves,the answer can be No or Yes I do compare myself at times just to check how I am doing. People say that comparison is a killer of joy. The only comparison I expect you to do is the one that challenges you to work smarter/harder in order to achieve the things you wish for yourself. It should be about the things you can work on as a person to be at a better place. Do not bring yourself down just coz someone is doing better than you,we aren’t running the same race and we don’t actually want the same things in life. The sun and the moon are worlds apart,they all shine differently but are very unique and beautiful in their own ways. You shine brightest when you are just you✨. Also,don’t forget that social media is plastic. People post the best of their experiences and the perfect pictures. Nobody posts their failure and the days they look like a mess. You are only made to see what the person posting wants you to see.

2. Do I care alot about people’s opinions especially about my physique? Maybe your answer is no I don’t care alot about people’s opinions or yes sometimes I do care. One thing you should know is that people will always talk. We have two ears and one mouth coz we are meant to listen more and talk less yet human beings are fond of the complete opposite. You can have the best personality and the most streamlined body but people will still talk. Listen here,I know you have insecurities. This is very normal,I also have insecurities about my body. Should I let you in a little secret? EVERYONE HAS INSECURITIES. We aren’t perfect and we aren’t meant to be perfect. We are humans and humans are beautiful through their different imperfections. What should matter is how you think about your body. Dress yourself in clothes that make you feel good about your features and it will elevate your mood and self image.

3. Do I seek for people’s recognition in my day to day activities? Your answer should be no or at times. Why feel the need for people’s validation? Seeking people’s recognition means you are living in your head,you aren’t honest with yourself,not genuinely happy. When you are doing the things that matter to you and feel satisfied at a personal level it doesn’t matter whether someone says you are doing good or not. Yes sometimes you’ll feel bad when people don’t comment that you are doing great but, you should be your own fan. Appreciate your small and big wins and be happy with the things you are doing. Celebrate you if there’s no one to congratulate and celebrate you. Give yourself the things you seek from the ones around you.

4. Do I choose myself over the people I love when I need to? My answer is yes. Well,people may term this as selfish when you put your needs before others but you are the one to decide when you need to choose you over everyone else. You need time to be alone and work on yourself. It is not your responsibility to always take care of the ones you love. Sure,you should be there when they need you but you should also be there for you when you need you. You shouldn’t overstretch just coz you want to show someone that you care. Choosing you means you know what makes you happy,what makes you uncomfortable,what makes you feel you are not appreciated,and you are aware of when you need a break.

Let me know the various ways you answered the above questions and your possible explanations. I will write more on the remaining questions.

Thank you for reading through this article.

Self Love

This is a very interesting and broad topic. Love is something that all human beings crave. Everyone is always busy trying to get love from others and also trying to show that they love the people they care for. We must therefore ask ourselves what love is. Love is actually one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. It is an intense feeling of affection,warmth,adoration or fondness for someone/something.There are different types of love depending on the relationship between people.

I will major on self love. Self is the identity of any person or thing. Therefore,self love is the care/affection that one accords to himself or herself. People assume that they give themselves self love just because that is the person they live beneath. But the truth is that many people do not accord themselves the amount of affection they struggle to give to others. How can one know that they really know how to show love to themselves? Ask yourself the following questions :

1. Do I constantly compare myself to others?

2. Do I care so much about people’s opinions about me especially my physique?

3. Do I need people’s recognition in my day to day activities?

4. Do I choose myself over the people I care for when I really need to?

5. Do I say no to my friends when their plans inconvenience me?

6. Do I compliment myself often?

7. Do I feel confident?

For someone who loves themselves enough,they are able to answer the above questions without hesitation. Darling,you deserve to love yourself without limits and unconditionally. You should be able to take care of yourself the same way you strive to take care of those around you.

Thank you for reading through this. You can tell me the things you would like to hear about and ways I can improve this page for you.

By Ambitious Val